strong and weak forces

I'm in one of those strange places in my head. This particular one is telling me that the only people worth talking to are gays and possibly also androgynous beings, but since the probability of their existence is a wee bit low, well you get the idea.

This probably mainly arises out of the fact that recently girls annoy the hell out of me. I’m not sure why… too much drama maybe. Being all nice when in fact all you want to do is do your fricking homework, and you can hardly throw them out or else risk many many problems in the near or distant future.

And guys just suck away too much energy, either through too much attention, or too little, or the wrong kind.

This state of mind has achieved in me something unusual. After dance class today, after DANCE class today (this is usually the one thing I look forward to all week) made me want to flee. I swear I'll never wear a necklace there again. They ALL stare. it's highly irritating, when every guy you dance with just stares at your neck whenever he gets the chance. As for the girls, the few (one) I actually speak with there is one of those girls that even I am uncomfortable with because they're too touchy-feely. It seems that type is somewhat common here. One of the girls in my group is like that. It's quite amazing that those occasional interactions makes me understand why sometimes guys say that girls are scary...

Well, in the end I once again come to the conclusion that I really don't like people much at all. And the ones I can actually tolerate on a daily basis and maybe even get some enjoyment out of the interactions I can count on one hand. Is that how everyone feels like? I certainly hope not. It'd be a very sad comment on human nature. 

I guess, in this sense, the Americans have a grain of truth in their philosophy of capitalistic interactions; bother only with those people who can be used or profited from somehow, and sue the shit out of everyone else.

so much to say..

... and so little time. I hardly know where to begin. Probably chronologically, as always.

I’m honestly of the opinion that I somehow jinxed people, when I last wrote. You see over the course of 2 weeks (this was already 3-4 weeks ago) 6 people got sent to a psychiatric facility. One of them a guy I knew personally. One for jumping and surviving, one for extreme anti-socialness, one for eating a crap-load of pills and surviving, and one for having potato salad for a brain for all it was worth, the rest I have no idea (not even sure they exist). The fact that a bunch of people went nuts isn’t exactly surprising, but the fact that they all did it a t the same time, and during a relatively short interval (and not one of the stress filled ones at that), makes you thinks something was up besides just normal insanity. Some people speculate that a bad batch of psychoactive drugs may have been involved, on top of slight personal issues, and that sent them over the edge. But really, who knows…

Well, on a brighter note, I’ll tell you about the ball! October 19th was probably the craziest day ever. Theory of complex value functions test (huge one at that) at 2pm, ball at 5pm right after the end of the exam, then dance night right after that. I studied a bit for the test the day before, but what probably really saved me was that it was so late in the day, although I did end up complaining about that later, but anyways… I ended up doing most of my studying in the morning, equipped with cheat sheet, and all that. The test was supposed to last 3 hours, but (I have no idea how or why, I finished in only 2, and it seems that a lot of people finished very early, my group mate finished in an hour… but everyone stayed for the whole 3 hours anyways.) I would have stayed too, but no thanks to some idiots who decided to hold a concert the same day of the ball (and they reserved the adjacent place much later than the ball people) ad so the ball had to be moved ahead 2 hours. Right into the middle of my exam… assholes. So as soon as I finished the test, I left the testing chambers, and ran over to the ball. (I seriously hope that I actually passed that exam, since I’d be quite pathetic if I didn’t. the passing mark is like 5/25, but I wouldn’t put it mast me to be a complete idiot.) anyways, I got to the ball, and everything was already in full throttle. I’d missed about 14 or so songs, which wasn’t all that bad. The evening proceeded splendidly. I danced with a lot of people, some of them awesome, and two absolutely dreadful (they didn’t even know the basic steps, the morons. You don’t go to a ball without even knowing the basic steps of the walz. And even if you do go, the you better not ask someone who can actually dance as good as I do to then have me be a crash test dummy and collide with very single couple on the floor.) but anyways. In other news, during the preparatory master classes I convinced an acquaintance of mine, who could only dance ballroom, to learn hustle (which is a horrid mix of swing, and latin dances. So it’s like swing, except no bouncing, and lots of inappropriate-like dips and whatnot (though the dips are a bit different in the fact that the follow has to hold herself in most of them, without leaning or hanging on the lead. Which is a very difficult habit to break, I might add.))but the amount of inappropriateness really depends heavily on the lead, and this particular guy is very notinapropriate, and he’s an excellent lead (I actually noticed that in hustle the better the lead, the less ew-gross the whole thing is, because they have realized that dancing isn’t actually about doing inappropriate things, it’s just about having fun. mediocre leads seem to be still a bit too hung up on the fact that they het to touch a girl, and make her do what they want.) so yeah. I had a lot of fun there. After the ball, there was a club night I honor of some other faculty’s freshmen, I forget which one. I went, it was ok, but a bit too crowded, for my taste, and I was rather tired, so I ended up leaving early. I was never so tired than on the way to the dorm. Those 10 minutes seemed to last an hour. (and I had to sit down twice on my way up the stairs to the 5th floor, to catch my breath.) The whole next day, I was pretty much unable to do anything. When I went downstairs to shower, I had a lot of trouble making it back, so I refrained from descending during the rest of the day.

Well, as you may or may not know I had my birthday recently, and I was very unexpectedly surprised by two boys from a parallel group. (I think the two are in different groups actually) as you might guess from the previous statement, I don’t actually interact with them very much. However I do know them to be of the kinder half of my year. In the evening, they came into my room and presented me with a box of chocolates (108 grams, this is significant) and a poem which wished me to have 100 grams of luck. As for the 8 that they couldn't fit into the poem, they gifted me 8 chocolate bars, each of them bearing a well-wishing. =)  

Aside from that the end of semester madness is now upon me. And the only reason I’m actually able to write this is because it’s 1:30am and I’m waiting for my group mates to finish learning computational mathematics, so they can explain it to me, so I don’t fail the test tomorrow. Oh yes I’ll explain what I mean by end of semester madness: 

tomorrow: computational mathematics exam, English presentation, turning in 35 hw problems for theory of complex value functions, and turning in 6 incomprehensible problems for chemical physics as well as two variants of a test (3 problems each, and slightly less incomprehensible.)
the day after tomorrow: shitload physics problems, and a shitload of theoretical physics problemsthe day after that: 3 physics labs to learn theory for and pass off

so yeah. And December 28th is the first final. Chemical physics. I am SO screwed!

In other news: I went on a date last Sunday! =)

We went to this modern art exhibition where a lot of Marina Abramovic’s work was shown, both documentation, and recreations. (On two instances the doorway you had to walk through were guarded by a naked man and woman facing each other, and you have to step through between them (I’m glad I’m not fat, I wouldn’t want to squeeze between them.)) but yeah. It was a bit weird when there, but I’m actually liking it more and more now that I had time to think about it without distractions. Some of the topics addressed are quite fascinating. They also had quite a lot of work of a man who caricatured various political situations, namely the end of the apartheid period in South Africa. Overall it was very interesting, but I think that I’m more on the side of Oscar Wilde in the opinion that art should exist purely for its own sake. Art is something utterly useless, valued only for its beauty. What was in the museum was more of a call to awareness to politics, and an exploration of human nature and it’s limits. So much for the art. Now about the guy. He’s a 4^th year, so about my age and he has the most amazing smile in the universe (I always thought that people just say that because there is nothing else to say about someone, but it actually exists: the perfect smile). Lucky for me, he smiles a lot, which is as aforementioned very distracting. The only downside is that he’d have been maybe almost shorter than me if I had worn heels. But in his case I’m very willing to overlook that. I’ll not annoy you with further details at this point, since I’m hoping he’ll call me sometime. Hopefully sooner than later… 

JINX ALERT!

No sooner have said that I'll be on the lookout, that some ass beat a girl walking home so badly that she had to be taken to the hospital. The jerk made sure to aim for her face, of all things. The poor thing barely made it too the dorm. Dang... 

heya!

Well everyone, I figure it's time for a new post! First I need to clarify something. A little while ago, my mom told me something really odd. She said that she heard that I went driving around Moscow whilst being totally drunk. I have no idea who she heard it from, but I assure you there had been no such thing. Whilst it IS true that I drink on occasion, I have yet to enjoy russian cars. also please keep in mind that more often than not I tell only the 5 minutes of awesome that happened during a like 5 hour get together. (Also I only blog when stuff is happening, so when you don't hear from me for a month that's not because I'm too busy having fun to write it's the sad reality that the most exiting thing that happens to mee all week is the new episode of House MD.) Also please keep in mind that the people here are mostly extremely dull, and I tend to chose the more crazy ones for friends which makes me have a much more active life than a good part of the local population, although there is that bunch of people who have absolutely no shame and are socially retarded. on a side note actually, there is this one girl...

Well she's not exactly one of the smart ones, in any region, really, aside from being a manipulative b****. Well she not only slept with the security guy (and I'm telling you that's not something anyone would want to do. Think mall security and old lechers.) But she also had the brilliant idea to go out at night in front of the new building (that's where people usually gather to drink and yell horrid songs to an untuned guitar.) and sell herself to anyone who would have her. This really happened. Seriously! She also dragged another girl with her, who is much more innocent in the soul department. And that just makes her that much worse.  anyways where was I...

Ah, yes! Basically that drunk joyriding is what she would do not I, so don't make my mom scared please!

Now on to better things: First of all, I survived half-way week (the one before last)! I'll tell you why that's so special. Four tests and three homeworks in 3 days. Meaning 4 hours of sleep a night if I'was lucky, but it so turned out that everything went better than expected. And I got around 5 hours a night, which is really good. Which means hat last week was the week of shame. you get all your horrible tests back. Well, It just so happened that i'm a genius at computational mathematics, and got a 10/10 and thus don't have to actually do the hw! Furthermore, last Friday was the day of the official acceptance into studenthood. Which for me means lots of running around preparing the festivities, which this year, same as last, amounted to: decorations. I have also reclaimed my hatred of the horrid yellow ballon-hating wall in the foyer of our concert hall. The wall is PURE balloon popping EVIL! As soon as a balloon touches that wall it spontaneously decides that it must commit suicide! There are no nails, or sharp objects on it. nothing. only a thick layer of EVIL! But that was not the only thing. We spent many hours making garlands (we had like a full factory of indonesian child laborers going! ... except that instead of indonesian children we had russian college students.) Then those hundreds or garlands had to be hung on the ceiling in the club, which we did. And then it was done!

Oh, and did I mention that I gave blood that day? It so happened that the blood drive coincided with the event. needless to say, it did not make me a happy panda. But I digress...  

All that was left was to enjoy the rest of the show, and dance till the feet fall off, which we did. And since I really didn't want to clean up all that crap, and the accursed garlands, I hastily made my exit.
The next day, a friend of mine dragged me to the disco of an analogous event only for a different subdivision of my college (I think it was the applied physics one, but no matter.) Well we danced for a good while there, but left an hour early because our dorm closes at 1 am and climbing though a window in short skirt and heels is not really something one should do, So we just used the door like civilized people.
well, that's pretty much everything for now. I'll keep you posted on anything interesting happening, though it rarely does.
<.<
>.>
<.<
(we still haven't had our yearly fatality, so I'll keep my eyes peeled for that)
cheeriOs!    =)

recovery

I'm starting to enjoy brutal murder again. [I'm watching Bones] =)
Recently, I've been a bit depressive an cynical, to the point that I'm actually not happy about it. Which really isn't very good. To give you a taste, here is something I wrote a few days ago:

[...] It was of course the ass-holes that left the most offspring. The farmer that secretly stole from his neighbor. The drunk in the bar who would go from town to town impregnating women. And the slanty eyed b****** who squeezed every last penny from his subordinates. And although they say genetics plays little role in behavioral patters, I think that thousands of years of wildly reproducing jerks, would tip the balance at least somewhat towards a more 'cruel' society [...]

 So still being in my right mind, I decided to spare you my mad ravings. Now that I have spent two days sleeping and not doing anything, because I got sick (again), and for the first time in my life it actually is affecting  my brain. Well in other news we got the little first years though their little trials, it was pretty fun and I got a bunch of money on my phone out of it =) This year was pretty ok, the only problem, was that two fat guys on a truck came and said that we couldn't make a fire on the ground. So what do a bunch of smart people do? Well, we got a bunch of metal and made this platform thing 30 cm above the ground and tried to have some semblance of a fire on it. It ended up being small, and we had to hold an umbrella over it at one point (the only umbrella we had, btw...) but it served its purpose.

night time

So once again, I choose to blog instead of going to bed. Once again, it is a bad decision, but I just really feel like ranting at a page, which can do nothing to avoid the verbal abuse I'm about to do to it.

Aside from the usual "ugh" there is this new/old annoyance present. Sadly, I'm getting surer and surer by the day, that people suck, and that men are pretty much useless, and women rather annoying. I don't know what has motivated me to this new world view, if you might call it that. probably a mixture of things:

1) communication unit in English class.

we talked about how the genders communicate for the past two lessons, and I find myself disagreeing with many people quite a bit

2) deadwood

a nice little HBO serial that really is about how evil people are. Lots of killing of whores, men, indians, kids, etc. And of course no one gets punished, and no one ever really talks about it.

3) Wuthering Heights

I bought the book recently, and I'm quite enjoying it, however, it isn't exactly a testament to how nice and pretty people are. One of the main characters, Heathcliff, is more or less a creature without mercy or empathy, which makes him very harsh, even by my standards.

4) Gossip

recently I got confirmation, on something I'd been suspecting for a while, namely that one of my good acquaintances hails from the land of rainbows. And recently he's told me some of the harassing he's had to submit to here. I was very surprised, to find out the extent to which seemingly intelligent people would go just to make someone's life more difficult because of something that's really none of their business.

5) owie

this past I managed to get a really weird cold, that includes a runny nose and not being able to breathe properly (after 200m walking I was out of breath). But ignoring my obviously non-ideal condition I went dancing this weekend anyways, and barely managed to get home (although it's a 2 minute walk normally), because point one; air. And point two; my knee started hurting from the strain of me wildly flailing my limbs about in a rhythmic and aesthetically pleasing fashion. And now, instead of going to PE like normal people, I get there, say "I'm here" and dash as fast as I can away from there, because I can't run, and missing PE is a pain in the behind.

6) just life in general

yeah...

In accordance to this general mood I've been having, I remembered a really nice quote from "Dune":

[...] mercy was the ability to stop, if only for a moment. There was no mercy where there could be no stopping.

It struck me then, as a very true saying. Now I'm also realizing that the world we live in is quite merciless and unforgiving. Also people are bastards, only they choose to be slightly less bastardy in general, some more than others.

Well I'll stop being all pessimistic (I'm sure you're already tired of it), and get to sleep. Tomorrow is another day...

ladi dadi da

So everything's fine. I passed, I even already moved into the dorms (which is hellishly early for a third year Moscow resident, usually they don't let people like me in until after the 15th, so I'm pretty lucky =)), and better yet there are already plans for mischief forming. One involves paint and a photo camera, and the other well... I think you an guess what it involves =З

my 3 neighbors turned out to be more or less decent. One of them is never here (Lisa), one (Vera) is a quiet and unproblematic girl, who, I feel, is just a tiny bit too boring and a bit too social, making her borderline tolerable sometimes. The last (Zhenia, yes, another one not the plate throwing one, she went and took academic leave, based on "illness," because she didn't feel like "studying" anymore.) is plain odd... a bit like me I guess in that aspect, but that's about it. She likes going to bed early (like 10pm), and get up early (like 6 am) to do morning gymnastics =|. Also I get the feeling that if she were to be replaced by a robot wearing her skin, the only way we would notice is that she'd make hollow thunk noises if she bumped into something hard. She has a rather robotic air about her. I dunno. But all in all, methinks it'll be pretty ok here. My main problem right now will be getting sufficient sleep, which I'm not doing a very good job at, since I'm writing this instead of doing hw and going to bed, but I'll get there eventually.

That aside in the academic sphere the only big thing really was that I was apparently quite mistaken when I believed that I was rid of Comp Sci for the time being. It's called "computational mathematics" now. Sounds like SO much fun, like totally... uuuugh!

Instead of programming silly little games we get to compute all sorts of errors based on the way the machine saves the number in it's memory. I really could't think of anything that I'd like to do less. But I should't jump to conclusions, economics, for example, might turn out to be worse.

Anywhoos. I feel like all I did was complain, so I'll tell you something more productive now, that won't make you want to tear my throat out: I might actually get to finishing this one short story I've been writing since last summer. (it's not long, it's just really difficult to wrote somehow.) It's based on this weird dream I had, which to my recent sad realization was a rip off from bleach mashed together with the real world. I was actually quite sad when I realized that, because some of the ideas and concepts that arose I genuinely liked. But no matter, even if it was a rip off, it was a sub conscious one, so we'll write it off as "influence." =)
That's about all the time I have for you today, I'll try posting a bit more frequently now =)
toodles