Old ladies… yes they’re something special. Very special I must say. Particularly dames like my dearest dear grandmother… I don’t even know where to begin the excruciating tales of her ignorance and downright baffling inability to comprehend simple logic. What follows are a few simple rules she knows by heart that are sure to drive even the kindest and most compassionate soul into hysterics.
1) No matter how often you’ve heard a story you’re always glad to hear it again, even if you are protesting vehemently.
Because we all love those war stories. Especially when we’re hearing them for the umpteenth time. They only ever get better and better. Oh and that reminds me: when I was your age…
2) Knowledge is never out dated. Especially medical knowledge. whatever was true 30 years ago is still true today.
Cancer is practically untreatable. Crappy outdated medicine that has been proven to be harmful is perfectly good. etc. I think I don’t need to tell you about how medicine (or anything else for that matter) has progressed and how annoying it is to listen to someone fail to comprehend that simple fact.
3) The TV NEVER lies! Ever!
AND YOU KNOW IT! and SpongeBob Squarepants really does live in a pineapple under the sea, and has a crush on a squirrel named Sandy from Texas.
4) When eating, people always want to hear about random recipes that you have heard of from some strange place.
It's interesting to hear you fantasize about them though you have no idea how to actually prepare them, and most of your random guesses are complete bullshit. They especially love hearing you tell about the wonderful things [random relative] cooked during war times and how everything was home grown, and though you had nothing you ate well. Oh on that note? Eat [insert random food here]. Why aren’t you eating? A young one like yourself has to be fed well. Eat! EAT!
5) Smelling like sweat and urine is completely normal.
Yeah… and people like to be hugged by that wondrous odor too… GAH!
6) Completely outdated and disproven beliefs are not completely outdated and are absolutely true.
Thus black people are ugly and their brain is under developed. When provided with a counter example (like Tyra Banks, who is neither ugly nor an idiot) insist that the person doesn’t look black at all. Right… and I’m the Easter Bunny.
7) Beauty and taste are not completely subjective. If I like it, You like it.
If something tastes good to me, then it absolutely must taste good to you. Otherwise you’re uncivilized or you’re too prejudiced against the food to understand that it’s good. people who eat things that aren’t tasty have something wrong with their brains. Same thing goes for beauty. If i think something is pretty, it is indisputably so. New trends are hideous and the old pompous days of glory are wonderful.
8) There are no different cultures. Only civilized and uncivilized people.
Where have I heard this one before I wonder?
9) Logic is absolutely overrated.
Refuse to heart reason whenever possible.
It pains me to know that I’m related to her… actually it pains me to have to communicate with her… GAHHHHH!!!!!!!
I’m SO glad that break is almost over! you have no idea!
