WARNING: RANT!!!

Scenario: It's a holiday, a big national one, you even get off school, and you and a bunch of your friends spend the day together to celebrate it. The plan: go sledding and horsing around in the snow. Well you do that, and then one of the couples there who lives with another one of the couples there says: "Hey! We have food!! Let's eat!" So you go eat. As always, it's not too great, cause you're the pickiest eater on the entire freaking planet. But, overall, everyone is happy and the day was well spent. No second thoughts, right? WRONG!
A few weeks later, one of the girls from that selfsame couple, comes up randomly and says:

"Hey, you owe us $15."
me: "wtf?"
she: "Remember, we fed you?"
me: "Yeah."
she: "So you owe us 15 bucks."
me: "...ok... I guess...." Said I

now every time she sees me something like this happens:

me: "Hi, how are you?"
she: "Hey, you owe us $15."
me: "I know..." 

followed by me going away and muttering curses under my breath. If the b**** had told me that her fodder was worth $15, I wouldn't have touched the stuff. I'd much rather go to an actual restaurant and eat what I actually like! Or better yet: make something myself! Of course, half the stuff was left over. so they got themselves a week's worth of feed for four, for the price of a day. And now you know a great way to cheat honest people out of their f***ing money.
I feel cheated, and lied to. And as I didn't like her before, she managed to actually make me dislike her. Good job! I have only two words for her:
Fuck you!
Oh, and in case you're wondering: yeah I'll pay up, cause that's what honest people do.

Re: Farewell

Man, I just read this wonderful post one of my best friends wrote. He's been pining over a breakup for a really long time, and he's one of those people who pour their souls out onto paper and aren't actually afraid to show it, and I respect him greatly for that. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I generally look for the smallest darkest corner that no one would even think of looking in, and hide until I compose myself.

He talked about this myriad of guys who have been disappointed somehow in such a way, that they  have lost faith, so they drive away any girl who might actually care about them. and just generally treat them as disposables because they are afraid to get "attached." but at the same time they want to find the one that will make it all better.

But isn't it the same for us girls? We get curious, so we start dating, and fall in love with that first guy. The unforgettable one, that inevitably breaks our heart, but we forgive him anyways because he kind of opened that door that we were afraid to open. Then comes guy after guy, some of them jerks, others something else, but all of them wrong in the end. And we loose faith too. There comes that "slutty" period, the time when everything goes, and nothing matters. Of course the magnitude of 'everything' depends on the person and situation, but the general tendency is the same. Usually, at some point you get tired. for some it's earlier, for others later, but you start looking for something real. Now, the real trick is where to find that.
Just like every guy, every girl wants to find a man to balance her life. Someone, who'll accept everything about her, and make her feel just like that. One who would come to her rescue when she needs to be rescued. Or just one whom she can love with all her being and who will love her back the same way. But when you look around, all there seems to be are those disillusioned jerks. (and disillusioned jerk-ettes.)

all of this raises the question: Why the hell do we torture each other, if all we want is the same thing?

socionics

I've just been thinking about life recently. Like the way we act, the way I act, and what I actually think, and want. 
There are several reasons why I've been thinking about this. One of them being this girl on my floor who is into socionics. You know, the whole personality type mumbo-jumbo. On the one side it seems complete crap, but on the other side, it kinda isn't. Like I think pretty much anyone I've taken the silly tests, and they'd always come out with me being a logical sensory introvert, these types tend to be perceptive. Makes sense, right? I don't open up easily, I trust logic over feelings, and in life I rely on experience to maneuver though interactions, furthermore I'm more of an information gathering type. I was well satisfied with that. 
Then that aforementioned friend decided to type me. Well, guess what folks? She's got me pegged as a sensory ethical extrovert, and these are judging. Ok, so sensory stays, but that's the only thing. Apparently I'm extroverted, meaning I easily talk about myself in unfamiliar company. And you know, I actually do. I talk easily. I talk a lot really, but it's usually idle chit chat about stuff I don't care about, or things I don't care about anymore. Basically I talk a lot about the past. It's all I ever talk about. I never really talk about NOW, and the important things. and even if I ever do get into some touchy area, I always stay vague. Maybe those who know me better can guess at what I'm not telling them, and sometimes I like to think they do, but I'm doubtful. I guess I just don't trust people with myself. Is that a bad thing? Next: Ethical as opposed to Logical. That actually makes a lot of sense, especially recently. I'm nothing else of not polite. At least to people I don't know well, or I'm not friends with. It keeps things pleasant and simple, even though I might actually be on the verge of tearing someone's head off because they are annoying the hell out of me, I'll still smile politely and pretend that everything's great. Then after a while I'll find a convenient excuse to go somewhere else, and escape the torture.  So what now? I'm both? but that can't be right. I don't get it. It's like I appear one way (or I want to), but I'm completely different. I guess I know why everything happened this way. It's the moving. I mean how are you supposed to let people in if you know that you'll be gone sooner or later anyways, and none of the people who seem to care so much now, will just fade into this mass of faces that you can barely remember. 
If I think back, I was the most unhappy at the end of living in Dresden and the beginning of State College. Although it wasn't unhappiness per se. It was more like lack of everything, at least it was in Dresden. You see, the last year or so I spent in this sort of limbo, where I didn't know In which country I'd be 2 months from now. I couldn't say bye, and I kinda got stuck emotionally. It got to a point where I stopped looking for cars when crossing the street. I didn't care if I would get hit. I kinda hoped I would, the I could skip school for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to care about much of anything really. I guess it was a bit of a strange state of mind. I don't really understand it anymore. Then we finally moved to State College. I was so angry! There are no words to describe that. I wanted to have nothing to do with anyone. I hated everything! Everyone! I was so angry that every day before I would enter the apartment I would stop for just a second, and make myself smile, so my mom wouldn't see that I never smiled for myself anymore...
See that's another thing about me. I always smile and laugh with others. But often times, as soon as everyone goes away the smile melts away as if it's never been. I wonder if anyone else ever does that...
anyways, I completely forgot what my point was when I started writing this, so I'm just going to stop rambling now =))
toodles!

fuck life

it seems i have really the worst luck/taste in men. this one (according to himself) turned out to have a psychological disorder, which makes him loose all feeling for a girl as soon as he understands that she likes him very much. sorry, but that's fucked up. really... at the very least it's a very creative lie, i'll give him that..

well at least my march 8th is now officially free... asshole...

2 months

That's about how much time has passed since I last posted. Quite a bit has happened really, so make sure you read to the very end =)) . Towards the end of December, exam session approached. And as so often that was quite an adventure. It began mostly with me not really wanting to do my theoretical physics homework, because honestly, it's not only a pain, but also a bore, aside from being rather difficult. So being the lazy piece of human that I am, I ended up procrastinating for rather a bit too long. And my dear seminarist (tiny uptight old lady in glasses who reminds me of a tabby cat.)  has this policy of 5 strikes and you're out. So there is basically no way humanly possible to turn in the homework, even in three sittings. And without turned in homework, you aren't allowed to take the exam. Two weeks before the DEADline (the point where they usually kick you out if you don't have everything done by then.) we were told that our little lady doesn't want to come back to the institute, so we were basically screwed. Thus, we went to our dean's office and the vice went with us to the Theoretical Physics Department, because apparently we had to be given the chance to turn in the hw at the least. We ended up talking to this nice old man and it was magically easy compared to sitting with the old lady. Sadly, somehow Chemical physics didn't go too well either, mostly because I had decided that I knew the subject, and didn't bother studying. So what ended up happening come exam retakes is this:
day 1: take written chem phys exam, then run and finish turning in theoretical physics, which worked well enough. The happiest moment by far, was when the one guy who was in the exact same situation as I and myself went to get our written exam results, and we both passed. THAT felt like an accomplishment. After thoroughly enjoying that brief euphoria, we returned and finished turning in the hw.
day 2: luckily I had run into one of the guys from my faculty the day before, and I got a full set of finished answers to all exam questions off of him, which very much simplified my task that day of cramming all that crap into my brain. Thanks, btw!
on to day 3: the exam. I ended up answering this young guy, who read us a few lectures, and ended up as seminarist for one of our groups. The exam itself was just like all the others really, so I won't bore you further. with that. Needless to say, I passed.
After that, i'm just going to skip a bunch of now completely uninteresting and forgotten stuff, and get to the interesting part.
As you may or may not know, February 23rd is a pretty big deal here. It's called something along the lines of "Day of the Defenders of the Fatherland" (and yes, it's actually the fatherland in Russia, not motherland) and all the girls get all the guys presents (actually I'll go off on a bit of a tangent here...

so February 23rd was coming up, so we have to do something for the boys in our group. So Lera and I banged out heads together, and thought real hard. We had gotten them tea and tiny toy water guns last year, so we need to get them something else this time. Tea was out of the question, as was a sit together, simply because our group isn't exactly the buddy buddy type (to the extent that I haven't spoken to one of the boys for over a year now). Well, so we though t shirts! t shirts are cool right? And we could put customized pictures on them so they wouldn't be impersonal. A different one for each guy and in different colors.
We thought YAY! We got our solution. So, that weekend we went shopping to find plain men's t shirts in different colors, I mean how hard can that be? Right? It's a totally basic item, that exists in multiple variations in every single women's store, so why not the same for men. Well, as you might have guessed, we were extremely wrong. So wrong, that the only plain t shirts we were able to find were like 1000 rubles (~ $35) a piece, and we needed 6, plus the paper for customization. Plainly, we really really didn't want to spend that kind of money on them. We kept looking and looking and looking and looking and.. well you get the idea. About 5 hours into the ordeal, we went onto this discount store, there we came upon the funniest t shirts. All of them black and with pictures; One with a giant hand saying "frick you" and the equivalent written on it; one with a gigantic smiling sperm; one with a zombie squirrel eating a brain; one with "sex, drugs, rock'n roll" and a condom, pill and microphone of the same size/shape; one saying "awesome dude", and one with "hide, devils, god's comming" and an evil smile. well, seeing as we were as tired as we were and the shirts cots 350 roubles (~$12) a pop, we decided that our work was done. We bought them! Luckily our boys liked the shirts very much. They even wear them! Which basically makes me fell like the most awesome person in the history of the earth! (although I know it's a clear exaggeration)

back to the topic at hand: men's day! Unsurprisingly, there was a disco dance night thing in honor of February 23rd on the following weekend, as always for any kind of holiday. There, aside from Lera, who I went with to celebrate her new found freedom, was this random guy that I saw during some of our lectures, and since we were the only ones he knew, he joined us. What followed was Lera's fascination with the mirror wall, so the three of us mainly ended up dancing with our reflections, which was interesting enough, plainly because it's interesting to actually SEE what you're doing. At the end of the evening, we talked a bit while trying to get out and back to our dorm. What followed was the typical progression. He found me on Russian facebook, we talked for a while. Then, as always, we went walking in the woods, ending in what else but a snow fight, consisting of throwing snow at each other and each other at snow =p. The next day, we repeat the pattern with a noteworthy variation: a kiss. Well, yesterday we wanted to watch a movie. Well, we did watch a movie, somewhere in the middle, "Boondock Saints" - it was pretty funny actually. But we basically just spent from 2pm to midnight laying around and talking (once again, during that time I confirmed that I really don't like people, which makes me happy, because I feel normal again). Tomorrow he might come with me to look at one of the base institutes in Moscow. There is going to be some kind of excursion. And on Saturday, we're watching another movie =).
As to the guy himself. He's pretty much what half my friends in the USA were like, so I like to think that I actually understand his manner of communication pretty well. Or at the very least it suits me. He actually watches anime, which surprised me quite a bit. But that is always a great indicator to how open minded people are to various things, and that's always very good. He's a gamer, and a fantasy nut, although he tries to cut down on that. (If you know me, you know that that's a good thing.) Looks-wise, he's pretty cute, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beard, that looks rather good on him (I usually don't like them, but that's mainly because a lot of guys think that they can pull it off although they clearly can't), and also very toned, which is always a plus. Only bad point is that he's a bit short (although taller than me when I wear flats) but it's not like you can have everything =))