socionics

I've just been thinking about life recently. Like the way we act, the way I act, and what I actually think, and want. 
There are several reasons why I've been thinking about this. One of them being this girl on my floor who is into socionics. You know, the whole personality type mumbo-jumbo. On the one side it seems complete crap, but on the other side, it kinda isn't. Like I think pretty much anyone I've taken the silly tests, and they'd always come out with me being a logical sensory introvert, these types tend to be perceptive. Makes sense, right? I don't open up easily, I trust logic over feelings, and in life I rely on experience to maneuver though interactions, furthermore I'm more of an information gathering type. I was well satisfied with that. 
Then that aforementioned friend decided to type me. Well, guess what folks? She's got me pegged as a sensory ethical extrovert, and these are judging. Ok, so sensory stays, but that's the only thing. Apparently I'm extroverted, meaning I easily talk about myself in unfamiliar company. And you know, I actually do. I talk easily. I talk a lot really, but it's usually idle chit chat about stuff I don't care about, or things I don't care about anymore. Basically I talk a lot about the past. It's all I ever talk about. I never really talk about NOW, and the important things. and even if I ever do get into some touchy area, I always stay vague. Maybe those who know me better can guess at what I'm not telling them, and sometimes I like to think they do, but I'm doubtful. I guess I just don't trust people with myself. Is that a bad thing? Next: Ethical as opposed to Logical. That actually makes a lot of sense, especially recently. I'm nothing else of not polite. At least to people I don't know well, or I'm not friends with. It keeps things pleasant and simple, even though I might actually be on the verge of tearing someone's head off because they are annoying the hell out of me, I'll still smile politely and pretend that everything's great. Then after a while I'll find a convenient excuse to go somewhere else, and escape the torture.  So what now? I'm both? but that can't be right. I don't get it. It's like I appear one way (or I want to), but I'm completely different. I guess I know why everything happened this way. It's the moving. I mean how are you supposed to let people in if you know that you'll be gone sooner or later anyways, and none of the people who seem to care so much now, will just fade into this mass of faces that you can barely remember. 
If I think back, I was the most unhappy at the end of living in Dresden and the beginning of State College. Although it wasn't unhappiness per se. It was more like lack of everything, at least it was in Dresden. You see, the last year or so I spent in this sort of limbo, where I didn't know In which country I'd be 2 months from now. I couldn't say bye, and I kinda got stuck emotionally. It got to a point where I stopped looking for cars when crossing the street. I didn't care if I would get hit. I kinda hoped I would, the I could skip school for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to care about much of anything really. I guess it was a bit of a strange state of mind. I don't really understand it anymore. Then we finally moved to State College. I was so angry! There are no words to describe that. I wanted to have nothing to do with anyone. I hated everything! Everyone! I was so angry that every day before I would enter the apartment I would stop for just a second, and make myself smile, so my mom wouldn't see that I never smiled for myself anymore...
See that's another thing about me. I always smile and laugh with others. But often times, as soon as everyone goes away the smile melts away as if it's never been. I wonder if anyone else ever does that...
anyways, I completely forgot what my point was when I started writing this, so I'm just going to stop rambling now =))
toodles!

fuck life

it seems i have really the worst luck/taste in men. this one (according to himself) turned out to have a psychological disorder, which makes him loose all feeling for a girl as soon as he understands that she likes him very much. sorry, but that's fucked up. really... at the very least it's a very creative lie, i'll give him that..

well at least my march 8th is now officially free... asshole...

2 months

That's about how much time has passed since I last posted. Quite a bit has happened really, so make sure you read to the very end =)) . Towards the end of December, exam session approached. And as so often that was quite an adventure. It began mostly with me not really wanting to do my theoretical physics homework, because honestly, it's not only a pain, but also a bore, aside from being rather difficult. So being the lazy piece of human that I am, I ended up procrastinating for rather a bit too long. And my dear seminarist (tiny uptight old lady in glasses who reminds me of a tabby cat.)  has this policy of 5 strikes and you're out. So there is basically no way humanly possible to turn in the homework, even in three sittings. And without turned in homework, you aren't allowed to take the exam. Two weeks before the DEADline (the point where they usually kick you out if you don't have everything done by then.) we were told that our little lady doesn't want to come back to the institute, so we were basically screwed. Thus, we went to our dean's office and the vice went with us to the Theoretical Physics Department, because apparently we had to be given the chance to turn in the hw at the least. We ended up talking to this nice old man and it was magically easy compared to sitting with the old lady. Sadly, somehow Chemical physics didn't go too well either, mostly because I had decided that I knew the subject, and didn't bother studying. So what ended up happening come exam retakes is this:
day 1: take written chem phys exam, then run and finish turning in theoretical physics, which worked well enough. The happiest moment by far, was when the one guy who was in the exact same situation as I and myself went to get our written exam results, and we both passed. THAT felt like an accomplishment. After thoroughly enjoying that brief euphoria, we returned and finished turning in the hw.
day 2: luckily I had run into one of the guys from my faculty the day before, and I got a full set of finished answers to all exam questions off of him, which very much simplified my task that day of cramming all that crap into my brain. Thanks, btw!
on to day 3: the exam. I ended up answering this young guy, who read us a few lectures, and ended up as seminarist for one of our groups. The exam itself was just like all the others really, so I won't bore you further. with that. Needless to say, I passed.
After that, i'm just going to skip a bunch of now completely uninteresting and forgotten stuff, and get to the interesting part.
As you may or may not know, February 23rd is a pretty big deal here. It's called something along the lines of "Day of the Defenders of the Fatherland" (and yes, it's actually the fatherland in Russia, not motherland) and all the girls get all the guys presents (actually I'll go off on a bit of a tangent here...

so February 23rd was coming up, so we have to do something for the boys in our group. So Lera and I banged out heads together, and thought real hard. We had gotten them tea and tiny toy water guns last year, so we need to get them something else this time. Tea was out of the question, as was a sit together, simply because our group isn't exactly the buddy buddy type (to the extent that I haven't spoken to one of the boys for over a year now). Well, so we though t shirts! t shirts are cool right? And we could put customized pictures on them so they wouldn't be impersonal. A different one for each guy and in different colors.
We thought YAY! We got our solution. So, that weekend we went shopping to find plain men's t shirts in different colors, I mean how hard can that be? Right? It's a totally basic item, that exists in multiple variations in every single women's store, so why not the same for men. Well, as you might have guessed, we were extremely wrong. So wrong, that the only plain t shirts we were able to find were like 1000 rubles (~ $35) a piece, and we needed 6, plus the paper for customization. Plainly, we really really didn't want to spend that kind of money on them. We kept looking and looking and looking and looking and.. well you get the idea. About 5 hours into the ordeal, we went onto this discount store, there we came upon the funniest t shirts. All of them black and with pictures; One with a giant hand saying "frick you" and the equivalent written on it; one with a gigantic smiling sperm; one with a zombie squirrel eating a brain; one with "sex, drugs, rock'n roll" and a condom, pill and microphone of the same size/shape; one saying "awesome dude", and one with "hide, devils, god's comming" and an evil smile. well, seeing as we were as tired as we were and the shirts cots 350 roubles (~$12) a pop, we decided that our work was done. We bought them! Luckily our boys liked the shirts very much. They even wear them! Which basically makes me fell like the most awesome person in the history of the earth! (although I know it's a clear exaggeration)

back to the topic at hand: men's day! Unsurprisingly, there was a disco dance night thing in honor of February 23rd on the following weekend, as always for any kind of holiday. There, aside from Lera, who I went with to celebrate her new found freedom, was this random guy that I saw during some of our lectures, and since we were the only ones he knew, he joined us. What followed was Lera's fascination with the mirror wall, so the three of us mainly ended up dancing with our reflections, which was interesting enough, plainly because it's interesting to actually SEE what you're doing. At the end of the evening, we talked a bit while trying to get out and back to our dorm. What followed was the typical progression. He found me on Russian facebook, we talked for a while. Then, as always, we went walking in the woods, ending in what else but a snow fight, consisting of throwing snow at each other and each other at snow =p. The next day, we repeat the pattern with a noteworthy variation: a kiss. Well, yesterday we wanted to watch a movie. Well, we did watch a movie, somewhere in the middle, "Boondock Saints" - it was pretty funny actually. But we basically just spent from 2pm to midnight laying around and talking (once again, during that time I confirmed that I really don't like people, which makes me happy, because I feel normal again). Tomorrow he might come with me to look at one of the base institutes in Moscow. There is going to be some kind of excursion. And on Saturday, we're watching another movie =).
As to the guy himself. He's pretty much what half my friends in the USA were like, so I like to think that I actually understand his manner of communication pretty well. Or at the very least it suits me. He actually watches anime, which surprised me quite a bit. But that is always a great indicator to how open minded people are to various things, and that's always very good. He's a gamer, and a fantasy nut, although he tries to cut down on that. (If you know me, you know that that's a good thing.) Looks-wise, he's pretty cute, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a beard, that looks rather good on him (I usually don't like them, but that's mainly because a lot of guys think that they can pull it off although they clearly can't), and also very toned, which is always a plus. Only bad point is that he's a bit short (although taller than me when I wear flats) but it's not like you can have everything =)) 

strong and weak forces

I'm in one of those strange places in my head. This particular one is telling me that the only people worth talking to are gays and possibly also androgynous beings, but since the probability of their existence is a wee bit low, well you get the idea.

This probably mainly arises out of the fact that recently girls annoy the hell out of me. I’m not sure why… too much drama maybe. Being all nice when in fact all you want to do is do your fricking homework, and you can hardly throw them out or else risk many many problems in the near or distant future.

And guys just suck away too much energy, either through too much attention, or too little, or the wrong kind.

This state of mind has achieved in me something unusual. After dance class today, after DANCE class today (this is usually the one thing I look forward to all week) made me want to flee. I swear I'll never wear a necklace there again. They ALL stare. it's highly irritating, when every guy you dance with just stares at your neck whenever he gets the chance. As for the girls, the few (one) I actually speak with there is one of those girls that even I am uncomfortable with because they're too touchy-feely. It seems that type is somewhat common here. One of the girls in my group is like that. It's quite amazing that those occasional interactions makes me understand why sometimes guys say that girls are scary...

Well, in the end I once again come to the conclusion that I really don't like people much at all. And the ones I can actually tolerate on a daily basis and maybe even get some enjoyment out of the interactions I can count on one hand. Is that how everyone feels like? I certainly hope not. It'd be a very sad comment on human nature. 

I guess, in this sense, the Americans have a grain of truth in their philosophy of capitalistic interactions; bother only with those people who can be used or profited from somehow, and sue the shit out of everyone else.

so much to say..

... and so little time. I hardly know where to begin. Probably chronologically, as always.

I’m honestly of the opinion that I somehow jinxed people, when I last wrote. You see over the course of 2 weeks (this was already 3-4 weeks ago) 6 people got sent to a psychiatric facility. One of them a guy I knew personally. One for jumping and surviving, one for extreme anti-socialness, one for eating a crap-load of pills and surviving, and one for having potato salad for a brain for all it was worth, the rest I have no idea (not even sure they exist). The fact that a bunch of people went nuts isn’t exactly surprising, but the fact that they all did it a t the same time, and during a relatively short interval (and not one of the stress filled ones at that), makes you thinks something was up besides just normal insanity. Some people speculate that a bad batch of psychoactive drugs may have been involved, on top of slight personal issues, and that sent them over the edge. But really, who knows…

Well, on a brighter note, I’ll tell you about the ball! October 19th was probably the craziest day ever. Theory of complex value functions test (huge one at that) at 2pm, ball at 5pm right after the end of the exam, then dance night right after that. I studied a bit for the test the day before, but what probably really saved me was that it was so late in the day, although I did end up complaining about that later, but anyways… I ended up doing most of my studying in the morning, equipped with cheat sheet, and all that. The test was supposed to last 3 hours, but (I have no idea how or why, I finished in only 2, and it seems that a lot of people finished very early, my group mate finished in an hour… but everyone stayed for the whole 3 hours anyways.) I would have stayed too, but no thanks to some idiots who decided to hold a concert the same day of the ball (and they reserved the adjacent place much later than the ball people) ad so the ball had to be moved ahead 2 hours. Right into the middle of my exam… assholes. So as soon as I finished the test, I left the testing chambers, and ran over to the ball. (I seriously hope that I actually passed that exam, since I’d be quite pathetic if I didn’t. the passing mark is like 5/25, but I wouldn’t put it mast me to be a complete idiot.) anyways, I got to the ball, and everything was already in full throttle. I’d missed about 14 or so songs, which wasn’t all that bad. The evening proceeded splendidly. I danced with a lot of people, some of them awesome, and two absolutely dreadful (they didn’t even know the basic steps, the morons. You don’t go to a ball without even knowing the basic steps of the walz. And even if you do go, the you better not ask someone who can actually dance as good as I do to then have me be a crash test dummy and collide with very single couple on the floor.) but anyways. In other news, during the preparatory master classes I convinced an acquaintance of mine, who could only dance ballroom, to learn hustle (which is a horrid mix of swing, and latin dances. So it’s like swing, except no bouncing, and lots of inappropriate-like dips and whatnot (though the dips are a bit different in the fact that the follow has to hold herself in most of them, without leaning or hanging on the lead. Which is a very difficult habit to break, I might add.))but the amount of inappropriateness really depends heavily on the lead, and this particular guy is very notinapropriate, and he’s an excellent lead (I actually noticed that in hustle the better the lead, the less ew-gross the whole thing is, because they have realized that dancing isn’t actually about doing inappropriate things, it’s just about having fun. mediocre leads seem to be still a bit too hung up on the fact that they het to touch a girl, and make her do what they want.) so yeah. I had a lot of fun there. After the ball, there was a club night I honor of some other faculty’s freshmen, I forget which one. I went, it was ok, but a bit too crowded, for my taste, and I was rather tired, so I ended up leaving early. I was never so tired than on the way to the dorm. Those 10 minutes seemed to last an hour. (and I had to sit down twice on my way up the stairs to the 5th floor, to catch my breath.) The whole next day, I was pretty much unable to do anything. When I went downstairs to shower, I had a lot of trouble making it back, so I refrained from descending during the rest of the day.

Well, as you may or may not know I had my birthday recently, and I was very unexpectedly surprised by two boys from a parallel group. (I think the two are in different groups actually) as you might guess from the previous statement, I don’t actually interact with them very much. However I do know them to be of the kinder half of my year. In the evening, they came into my room and presented me with a box of chocolates (108 grams, this is significant) and a poem which wished me to have 100 grams of luck. As for the 8 that they couldn't fit into the poem, they gifted me 8 chocolate bars, each of them bearing a well-wishing. =)  

Aside from that the end of semester madness is now upon me. And the only reason I’m actually able to write this is because it’s 1:30am and I’m waiting for my group mates to finish learning computational mathematics, so they can explain it to me, so I don’t fail the test tomorrow. Oh yes I’ll explain what I mean by end of semester madness: 

tomorrow: computational mathematics exam, English presentation, turning in 35 hw problems for theory of complex value functions, and turning in 6 incomprehensible problems for chemical physics as well as two variants of a test (3 problems each, and slightly less incomprehensible.)
the day after tomorrow: shitload physics problems, and a shitload of theoretical physics problemsthe day after that: 3 physics labs to learn theory for and pass off

so yeah. And December 28th is the first final. Chemical physics. I am SO screwed!

In other news: I went on a date last Sunday! =)

We went to this modern art exhibition where a lot of Marina Abramovic’s work was shown, both documentation, and recreations. (On two instances the doorway you had to walk through were guarded by a naked man and woman facing each other, and you have to step through between them (I’m glad I’m not fat, I wouldn’t want to squeeze between them.)) but yeah. It was a bit weird when there, but I’m actually liking it more and more now that I had time to think about it without distractions. Some of the topics addressed are quite fascinating. They also had quite a lot of work of a man who caricatured various political situations, namely the end of the apartheid period in South Africa. Overall it was very interesting, but I think that I’m more on the side of Oscar Wilde in the opinion that art should exist purely for its own sake. Art is something utterly useless, valued only for its beauty. What was in the museum was more of a call to awareness to politics, and an exploration of human nature and it’s limits. So much for the art. Now about the guy. He’s a 4^th year, so about my age and he has the most amazing smile in the universe (I always thought that people just say that because there is nothing else to say about someone, but it actually exists: the perfect smile). Lucky for me, he smiles a lot, which is as aforementioned very distracting. The only downside is that he’d have been maybe almost shorter than me if I had worn heels. But in his case I’m very willing to overlook that. I’ll not annoy you with further details at this point, since I’m hoping he’ll call me sometime. Hopefully sooner than later… 

JINX ALERT!

No sooner have said that I'll be on the lookout, that some ass beat a girl walking home so badly that she had to be taken to the hospital. The jerk made sure to aim for her face, of all things. The poor thing barely made it too the dorm. Dang... 

heya!

Well everyone, I figure it's time for a new post! First I need to clarify something. A little while ago, my mom told me something really odd. She said that she heard that I went driving around Moscow whilst being totally drunk. I have no idea who she heard it from, but I assure you there had been no such thing. Whilst it IS true that I drink on occasion, I have yet to enjoy russian cars. also please keep in mind that more often than not I tell only the 5 minutes of awesome that happened during a like 5 hour get together. (Also I only blog when stuff is happening, so when you don't hear from me for a month that's not because I'm too busy having fun to write it's the sad reality that the most exiting thing that happens to mee all week is the new episode of House MD.) Also please keep in mind that the people here are mostly extremely dull, and I tend to chose the more crazy ones for friends which makes me have a much more active life than a good part of the local population, although there is that bunch of people who have absolutely no shame and are socially retarded. on a side note actually, there is this one girl...

Well she's not exactly one of the smart ones, in any region, really, aside from being a manipulative b****. Well she not only slept with the security guy (and I'm telling you that's not something anyone would want to do. Think mall security and old lechers.) But she also had the brilliant idea to go out at night in front of the new building (that's where people usually gather to drink and yell horrid songs to an untuned guitar.) and sell herself to anyone who would have her. This really happened. Seriously! She also dragged another girl with her, who is much more innocent in the soul department. And that just makes her that much worse.  anyways where was I...

Ah, yes! Basically that drunk joyriding is what she would do not I, so don't make my mom scared please!

Now on to better things: First of all, I survived half-way week (the one before last)! I'll tell you why that's so special. Four tests and three homeworks in 3 days. Meaning 4 hours of sleep a night if I'was lucky, but it so turned out that everything went better than expected. And I got around 5 hours a night, which is really good. Which means hat last week was the week of shame. you get all your horrible tests back. Well, It just so happened that i'm a genius at computational mathematics, and got a 10/10 and thus don't have to actually do the hw! Furthermore, last Friday was the day of the official acceptance into studenthood. Which for me means lots of running around preparing the festivities, which this year, same as last, amounted to: decorations. I have also reclaimed my hatred of the horrid yellow ballon-hating wall in the foyer of our concert hall. The wall is PURE balloon popping EVIL! As soon as a balloon touches that wall it spontaneously decides that it must commit suicide! There are no nails, or sharp objects on it. nothing. only a thick layer of EVIL! But that was not the only thing. We spent many hours making garlands (we had like a full factory of indonesian child laborers going! ... except that instead of indonesian children we had russian college students.) Then those hundreds or garlands had to be hung on the ceiling in the club, which we did. And then it was done!

Oh, and did I mention that I gave blood that day? It so happened that the blood drive coincided with the event. needless to say, it did not make me a happy panda. But I digress...  

All that was left was to enjoy the rest of the show, and dance till the feet fall off, which we did. And since I really didn't want to clean up all that crap, and the accursed garlands, I hastily made my exit.
The next day, a friend of mine dragged me to the disco of an analogous event only for a different subdivision of my college (I think it was the applied physics one, but no matter.) Well we danced for a good while there, but left an hour early because our dorm closes at 1 am and climbing though a window in short skirt and heels is not really something one should do, So we just used the door like civilized people.
well, that's pretty much everything for now. I'll keep you posted on anything interesting happening, though it rarely does.
<.<
>.>
<.<
(we still haven't had our yearly fatality, so I'll keep my eyes peeled for that)
cheeriOs!    =)