OMFG! A POST!

So, it's been quite a long while since I last posted. I even broke my one post a month rule, which I am extremely sorry for. on the up side, i'll be writing a number of posts in the coming weeks, I think, to recap everything. I'll start with where I left off, or at least what I remember from so long ago.

You might recall that a rather important question was supposed to be answered: namely, which f the sixteen base institutes will be mine. I don't remember if I have already explained this, so forgive me if I repeat myself. This is such an important question, because it basically determines what I'm going to do with my life, even to the extent that the base is probably going to be my job for like forever (though not necessarily, but there's much time to speculate about that yet. many many years.) I might have told you about the center for photochemistry, that I liked a lot. This is so for quite a number of reasons: 1) it's interesting 2) it's extremely easy 3) they pay well 4) (and most importantly) my dad thinks it's a good place, so he'll leave me alone about it.
Well, as luck would have it, I was assigned there, and more interestingly; the only other people there are two boys from my current group, one lazier even than me at times, and the other a bit of a, eh, how to put this, 'questionable' individual. On a side note: this is actually extremely unusual, just so you know. =)

Well, once that was cleared up, I had to start doing all the homeworks, which as always is the biggest pain in the behind in the world, but I'll tell you about that next time =) 

of singing and parents

As far back as I can remember I really liked to sing. I knew every single kids song by heart, and sung them all the time. I had song books, and CDs with kids songs to which I would sing. Then I stared going to school in Dresden, and there we had this horrible music teacher. He was in his 40s divorced and had a failed music career behind him as a flutist, which is why he started teaching. He wore leather pants and made tons of painful music jokes that we counted, because the lessons were so excruciatingly boring otherwise. He also made us sing in front of the entire class twice a year. Each person got their solo performance, and I'm sure you can imagine how terrified a 7th grader is of singing in front of your friends, and getting graded based on how good you were. With his policy he managed to make everyone hate him and music. Also, he convinced me that I really really suck at singing. Since then I only ever sing when I know that no one's listening, so as to not embarrass myself and spare the delicate auditory apparatus of everyone around me. 
Well, since then some of my more musical friends ave told me that I sing well, and that I've got good hearing. but i tend not to believe them. But it also makes me very sad that my dad is way too much of a scientist. You see, when I was little, he didn't want me to learn an instrument, because apparently it's pointless. I've actually always wanted to learn to play some instrument. It doesn't really matter which, I guess. But as I get older, it seems a progressively unlikely thing. I guess my only chance is that when I'm standing on my own feet, earning my own money, and living by myself, I'll be free of his oppressive presence, and I'll start to do the things that he kept me from doing.

On that note, I actually suspect that he thinks I'm like him. I think like him, and want the same things. Basically he thinks I wish to go into science professionally, and work with him. He keeps trying to pull me towards that, and I don't think that's either fair, or right. It's like he's got me confused with a younger female version of himself, if that makes sense. But it's really just delusion on his part. I'm interested in far more things than molecules and quantum mechanics, and I don't think I'd be able to live the way he does, with his calculations being his one and only ambition. I need to be able to draw, and write, and take photos, and write, and be with people. He seems to do none of that. The only time I've heard him speak of other people was when he was saying how good or bad a scientist that individual was. Or how some bureaucrat made his life difficult, because he and the government are idiots... It's kind of sad when you think about it. and I don't want that to be my life.
It's also kind of funny how most of my life my mom has been trying to teach me not to listen to my dad. It's usually the other way around, isn't it? I guess the fact that I turned out t least half way normal is because of my mom. Now that she's been away in the US for the third year now, I'm starting to understand that I've severely under-appreciated her for most of my life. I'm really sorry for that. I wish she'd come back...
On and end note: it's finally spring! look at the pretty rocks =) (Also I think I'll try putting more pictures up here, but I'm not making any definite promises)

wtf? it's april!

Ok, so I want to take a little time to rant about the weather here. Believe it or not, I took this picture this morning when I was returning to the dorm after a morning lecture. I mean, yeah the snow has been a bit less (it was more than knee deep not three weeks ago.) But still. it's freaking APRIL! Where are the FLOWERS?! On the up side it's at least always above freezing, and you can put away the really really warm fur boots, but that's not really the issue. This April Fools our pranksters even had trouble finding puddles to color green (it's a traditional prank.) because all the puddles are still in solid form rather than liquid. I'm tired of this Russian weather. snow from November till April. and then excessive heat from June to September. You only get 2 months of tolerable weather. I need to move back to Europe...

WARNING: RANT!!!

Scenario: It's a holiday, a big national one, you even get off school, and you and a bunch of your friends spend the day together to celebrate it. The plan: go sledding and horsing around in the snow. Well you do that, and then one of the couples there who lives with another one of the couples there says: "Hey! We have food!! Let's eat!" So you go eat. As always, it's not too great, cause you're the pickiest eater on the entire freaking planet. But, overall, everyone is happy and the day was well spent. No second thoughts, right? WRONG!
A few weeks later, one of the girls from that selfsame couple, comes up randomly and says:

"Hey, you owe us $15."
me: "wtf?"
she: "Remember, we fed you?"
me: "Yeah."
she: "So you owe us 15 bucks."
me: "...ok... I guess...." Said I

now every time she sees me something like this happens:

me: "Hi, how are you?"
she: "Hey, you owe us $15."
me: "I know..." 

followed by me going away and muttering curses under my breath. If the b**** had told me that her fodder was worth $15, I wouldn't have touched the stuff. I'd much rather go to an actual restaurant and eat what I actually like! Or better yet: make something myself! Of course, half the stuff was left over. so they got themselves a week's worth of feed for four, for the price of a day. And now you know a great way to cheat honest people out of their f***ing money.
I feel cheated, and lied to. And as I didn't like her before, she managed to actually make me dislike her. Good job! I have only two words for her:
Fuck you!
Oh, and in case you're wondering: yeah I'll pay up, cause that's what honest people do.

Re: Farewell

Man, I just read this wonderful post one of my best friends wrote. He's been pining over a breakup for a really long time, and he's one of those people who pour their souls out onto paper and aren't actually afraid to show it, and I respect him greatly for that. I don't think I'd be able to do that. I generally look for the smallest darkest corner that no one would even think of looking in, and hide until I compose myself.

He talked about this myriad of guys who have been disappointed somehow in such a way, that they  have lost faith, so they drive away any girl who might actually care about them. and just generally treat them as disposables because they are afraid to get "attached." but at the same time they want to find the one that will make it all better.

But isn't it the same for us girls? We get curious, so we start dating, and fall in love with that first guy. The unforgettable one, that inevitably breaks our heart, but we forgive him anyways because he kind of opened that door that we were afraid to open. Then comes guy after guy, some of them jerks, others something else, but all of them wrong in the end. And we loose faith too. There comes that "slutty" period, the time when everything goes, and nothing matters. Of course the magnitude of 'everything' depends on the person and situation, but the general tendency is the same. Usually, at some point you get tired. for some it's earlier, for others later, but you start looking for something real. Now, the real trick is where to find that.
Just like every guy, every girl wants to find a man to balance her life. Someone, who'll accept everything about her, and make her feel just like that. One who would come to her rescue when she needs to be rescued. Or just one whom she can love with all her being and who will love her back the same way. But when you look around, all there seems to be are those disillusioned jerks. (and disillusioned jerk-ettes.)

all of this raises the question: Why the hell do we torture each other, if all we want is the same thing?

socionics

I've just been thinking about life recently. Like the way we act, the way I act, and what I actually think, and want. 
There are several reasons why I've been thinking about this. One of them being this girl on my floor who is into socionics. You know, the whole personality type mumbo-jumbo. On the one side it seems complete crap, but on the other side, it kinda isn't. Like I think pretty much anyone I've taken the silly tests, and they'd always come out with me being a logical sensory introvert, these types tend to be perceptive. Makes sense, right? I don't open up easily, I trust logic over feelings, and in life I rely on experience to maneuver though interactions, furthermore I'm more of an information gathering type. I was well satisfied with that. 
Then that aforementioned friend decided to type me. Well, guess what folks? She's got me pegged as a sensory ethical extrovert, and these are judging. Ok, so sensory stays, but that's the only thing. Apparently I'm extroverted, meaning I easily talk about myself in unfamiliar company. And you know, I actually do. I talk easily. I talk a lot really, but it's usually idle chit chat about stuff I don't care about, or things I don't care about anymore. Basically I talk a lot about the past. It's all I ever talk about. I never really talk about NOW, and the important things. and even if I ever do get into some touchy area, I always stay vague. Maybe those who know me better can guess at what I'm not telling them, and sometimes I like to think they do, but I'm doubtful. I guess I just don't trust people with myself. Is that a bad thing? Next: Ethical as opposed to Logical. That actually makes a lot of sense, especially recently. I'm nothing else of not polite. At least to people I don't know well, or I'm not friends with. It keeps things pleasant and simple, even though I might actually be on the verge of tearing someone's head off because they are annoying the hell out of me, I'll still smile politely and pretend that everything's great. Then after a while I'll find a convenient excuse to go somewhere else, and escape the torture.  So what now? I'm both? but that can't be right. I don't get it. It's like I appear one way (or I want to), but I'm completely different. I guess I know why everything happened this way. It's the moving. I mean how are you supposed to let people in if you know that you'll be gone sooner or later anyways, and none of the people who seem to care so much now, will just fade into this mass of faces that you can barely remember. 
If I think back, I was the most unhappy at the end of living in Dresden and the beginning of State College. Although it wasn't unhappiness per se. It was more like lack of everything, at least it was in Dresden. You see, the last year or so I spent in this sort of limbo, where I didn't know In which country I'd be 2 months from now. I couldn't say bye, and I kinda got stuck emotionally. It got to a point where I stopped looking for cars when crossing the street. I didn't care if I would get hit. I kinda hoped I would, the I could skip school for a while, but I couldn't bring myself to care about much of anything really. I guess it was a bit of a strange state of mind. I don't really understand it anymore. Then we finally moved to State College. I was so angry! There are no words to describe that. I wanted to have nothing to do with anyone. I hated everything! Everyone! I was so angry that every day before I would enter the apartment I would stop for just a second, and make myself smile, so my mom wouldn't see that I never smiled for myself anymore...
See that's another thing about me. I always smile and laugh with others. But often times, as soon as everyone goes away the smile melts away as if it's never been. I wonder if anyone else ever does that...
anyways, I completely forgot what my point was when I started writing this, so I'm just going to stop rambling now =))
toodles!

fuck life

it seems i have really the worst luck/taste in men. this one (according to himself) turned out to have a psychological disorder, which makes him loose all feeling for a girl as soon as he understands that she likes him very much. sorry, but that's fucked up. really... at the very least it's a very creative lie, i'll give him that..

well at least my march 8th is now officially free... asshole...